Advanced Romance
by Madam Callisto
Summary: "He's got a secret girlfriend! Abed. Has. A. Sec-ret. Girl-friend. A girl whose his friend but in secret!"


Troy wasn't jealous. He definitely wasn't jealous.

People liked Abed, how could they not? He was as close to a perfect human being as a human being could be! Girls liked him too. They liked him a lot. According to Abed, something about his aloofness, and overwhelming self-confidence really appealed to the ladies. Luckily, Abed didn't usually reciprocate much at all, he would pretty much just smile politely, say something all suave and adorable, and then leave the girls wanting more.

He was cool like that.

It didn't stop Troy from getting uncomfortable as some pretty young thing in an inappropriately short skirt started flirting with his best friend.

"What does she think she's doing?" Troy's eyes were narrowed as he glared at the two of them from around the corner. She was clearly flirting; her eyes were all blinky, and there was no way chicks stood pushing up their good bits like that normally.

"Troy, you're being creepy." Jeff said. At the same time, he couldn't help but stare at them as well. How was it that Abed got hit on by girls more than he did?

"Look at her! Trying to get all cozy with Abed!"

"He's a big kid, he can handle himself. More importantly, how long has he been girl catnip?"

"Please, he's always been 'girl catnip'. It's just never been this bad before-look, she's leaving!" Sure enough, the girl frowned at Abed, reluctantly shook the hand he offered her, and walked away from him. "Pheew that was a close one."

"So...do you have moral objection to Abed being with girls, or what?" Jeff asked carefully.

"No, I'd just rather if he wasn't with chicks that are unworthy of someone as wonderful him."

Jeff waited a few seconds for Troy to reword that in some way to un-gay it, but as usual, he didn't. "Right, that's healthy."

"Crap, she's coming this way! Pretend like you-"

"I'm not pretending I'm asleep."

"Jeff there isn't time!"

"What is she gonna do to us?"

"Apart from steal our souls like the succubus that she is?"

"Shut up, just try to act like a normal human being-"

"Hey," the girl asked as she stopped in front of them, "You guys are friends of Abed's right?"

Troy straightened up from where he'd been leaning against the wall in a pathetic attempt at nonchalance, "We weren't spying on you."

"Smooth." Jeff said with a sigh, "Yeah, we're friends with him."

The girl bit her lip, "Do you know if he's serious with his girlfriend?"

"I'm sorry, what?" Troy said, "Abed doesn't have a girlfriend."

"Well, he said he couldn't go out with me because it would be cheating-"

Troy laughed, "I don't think I count-"

"Wait, exactly what did he say?" Jeff asked.

"I asked if he wanted to go out some time and he said," The girl put on a stiff, stoic voice, "'No thank you. I'm already in a relationship, and you're not really supposed to go out with other girls when you're already courting someone, right?' So he must have a girlfriend...right?"

Troy and Jeff both stared, mouths slightly agape.

"Well?"

…

"Forget it." The girl stormed off with a loud _humpf._

"Troy?" Jeff turned to Troy, "Troy?" He was standing statue still. Jeff waved a hand in front of his face, if a T-rex had stormed down the hallway and bitten off his arm, Jeff was pretty sure he wouldn't have even noticed, "Tro-"

"He's got a secret girlfriend."

"We don't know that."

'He's got a _secret girlfriend." _Jeff could hear Troy's breath speeding up rapidly. Damn it, this wouldn't go well.

"Listen, maybe he just said that to get rid of her."

"_He's got a secret girlfriend! _Abed. Has. A. Sec-ret. Girlfriend. A _girl _whose his friend but in _secret!"_

"Breathe, Troy. Breathe."

"But-but-but-"

"Just calm down-"

"He tells me everything!"

"Okay, shut up!"

Troy's lower lip trembled but he didn't say anything.

"Look, why don't we just ask him about it?"

"Ask him?" Troy laughed, but thought about it for a second, "I guess we could, but seems like much less of a hassle just spy on him until he meets up with this mystery shank."

Jeff stared, not blinking, at Troy.

"That does sound more fun."

* * *

The more the two of them start paying attention to Abed, the more a secret girlfriend actually starts to explain a lot. Abed had a tendency to run off and have his own side adventures more often than they'd previous expected, but he didn't seem to be meeting up with any girls in particular. Admitedly, he _did _seem like the only member of the study group who was friends with people outside of the study group, but none of them were girls he was close to.

Troy wasn't sure if it was his imagination, or if Abed was really just spending less time with him. It may have had to do with Troy spending so much time watching him from afar—but they were definitely not as clingy as usual either. Sure, they hadn't shared a bunk since he'd left for the air conditioning school, but not _that _much could have changed since then.

Could it?

Abed doesn't really show it when he's tired-or sick, or angry, or hungry, or really anything but kind of a stoic awesomeness that he wore all the time, but Troy was certain that he seemed to be getting less sleep than usual. Those brown buggy eyes of his had very slight bags under them that there was no way he couldn't notice.

Even Jeff had to admit, he was acting a little different. He was late for study groups almost every day, and he wasn't paying any attention to the swarm of Abed-hungry girls that approached him these days-and it was starting to piss Jeff off. Did Abed secrete some kind of pheromone when he was unavailable that made him irresistible to girls? If he was going to have such an amazing superpower, he should at least have the common decency to use it!

Troy let out a loud moan as he knocked his head against the kitchen table of their apartment. _Of course, it'd been months. _Clearly he shouldn't have let imprisonment in a cult-like school stop him from checking in on Abed every five minutes. What were Britta and Annie doing if they weren't keeping an eye on him?

Troy heard the sound of soft footsteps and the squeak of the chair next to his being pulled out, "Hey."

"Hey, Abed." Troy mumbled, still lying with his face down on the table.

"Something's wrong."

"Yeah."

"Is it my fault?"

"...no. Maybe a little."

"Oh." Abed fiddle his thumbs, "I'm sorry."

"Do you know what you're apologizing for?"

'No, but saying it usually helps."

Troy couldn't help smiling, "You wouldn't keep any massive secrets from me, would you?" he said, lifting his face up from the table.

"Hm." Abed tilted his head to the side as he thought, "I don't know, maybe if there was some scenario where you'd be happier not knowing like in _The Matrix, _or in _Soylent Green_. Yeah, everyone would probably have been happier not knowing it was people-"

"Do you have a secret girlfriend?"

"She's not a secret, you guys have met." Abed said matter-of-factly.

"What? What? I'd think I'd remember meeting someone like-Oh my God, is it Annie_? _I knew I shouldn't have left her with you all summer, and trusted her and her boobs, and coolness, and her stupid personality that works really really well with ours, I mean, why _wouldn't _she fall in love with you! The close quarters and your vulnerablness, and Annie's stupid boobs -"

"It's not Annie."

"I knew she wouldn't betray me like that." Troy said with a happy sigh, "Then...who is it?"

Abed stood back up, "Here, might be easier if I just showed you."

* * *

"You made the right choice, calling me." Britta said as Troy let her into the apartment. She pushed her glasses further up her face as she looked around. Britta liked the glasses move, it made her feel smart and professional-even if she only did it because her fake glasses didn't really fit her face.

"Thanks for coming." Troy said, "I didn't know what to do."

"Don't worry, we can figure this out."

"I know you can, Britta. You're kinda the smartest person I know."

Britta stared at Troy but he seemed completely sincere, not a trance of Winger-esk sarcasm to be found. Britta leaned in and hugged him, smiling a little to yourself. _In your face, Jeff!_

Annie coughed from where she'd been standing besides Troy, "Really? _Britta's_ the smartest person you know? " The two of them ignored her.

After their patented super long hug ended, Britta finally untangled herself from Troy's arms, "Where is he?" She asked, lowering her voice.

"I'm over here.", Abed said from behind the wall of blankets that serves as his room, "This really isn't necessary."

"We know." Troy said tensely, "This definitely isn't an intervention or anything; I just wanted...Britta to...meet her?" Britta nodded sternly. That excuse sounded pretty legit.

"Come on in then."

Britta squeezed Troy's hand lightly before he followed Abed's voice into the makeshift room, still feeling a little jittery. As much as she loved Abed like an adorable, brown, little brother, he scared the crap out of her sometimes. She hadn't forgotten the last time she'd visited their apartment with the intention of helping out Abed. The urge the dye her hair still hadn't entirely faded.

The sight that greeted her didn't _seem _as scary.

Abed was sitting cross-legged on his bunk, his laptop perched on his lap. He was alone, supposedly, "Hey Britta," He said cheerfully (or rather as cheerfully as Abed could say things), "you remember Gilda."

Abed turned his laptop so it was facing Troy, Britta, and Annie and the tiny pixilated form of Gilda, waved to the them, "_I'm-Gilda-I-live-in-the-village. It's-nice-to-see-you-__**Britta**__."_

Britta hurriedly pulled her clipboard and one of her smaller textbooks from her bag. She didn't really think there be a chapter in there about dealing with an Abed, but wasn't sure where to start. "Uh, it's nice to see you too...Gilda." Britta, Troy, and Annie met each other's gaze, "What's she doing here?"

"I rescue her from Gilbert's lab. Things have kind of gotten pretty serious since then. I think that's why you're here."

Britta smiled wide, "That's really sweet Abed but, um," She started flipped her book open to a few random chapters, "Um, 'in cases of post-traumatic...'no that's not, 'sexual fetishes'-damn it!" She slammed the book shut, "Abed, you know she's not-"

Troy and Annie threw their hands over Britta's mouth.

"Ha ha, Britta's so silly." Annie said with a nervous laugh.

"Excuse us one second." Troy said, leading them out of tent.

Once they were outside, Britta pushed their hands away, "This can't be healthy, guys." She whispered.

"I don't know, Britta," Annie said with a shrug, "on the scale of crazy things Abed's done, I don't think this even reaches the top ten."

"He's dating a program."

"Maybe the top five..." Annie said.

"Hey, twenty years in the future we might all be dating computers!" Troy said. Britta turned to him, "Probably not me though, I'll still be into human blondes." He added.

"Look, we don't want him getting all delusional. We should at least explain to him that-"

"I know she's just a program." Abed said from the tent. Britta walked back inside.

"That's a good start, at least you know she's not real."

"I said she's a program. That doesn't mean she's not real."

"Right, right," Britta said in her best professional voice, "I am neither surprised nor disturbed by any of this."

"She can feel happiness, and sadness, and fear, so that pretty much means she's got a better emotional range than me. Plus she's really smart. Gilda's got information on a lot of topics."

Britta nodded, her pen hovering over her clipboard. Troy made a squeaking sound, and Annie stared at the wall.

"She's a great mom to the Abed Jr's too. There are about 457 of them, but she treats them all like number 001. Unfortunately, I couldn't save all of them too, so we just had to make more, which was cool since Gilda was up for it."

Britta took a seat on the opposite side of Abed's bed.

"It was hard at first since I couldn't really take the entire game, but I've been working on rebuilding it. It's much harder than I thought it'd be. Pierces' dad might have been a scary, racist, but he sure knew how to build games."

"Abed?" Britta said slowly.

"Yeah?"

"So are you...in love with her?"

"I don't know, loves not really my forte. It's too weird and complicated."

"It's not _that _weird and complicated." Troy said.

"...but I guess by the standards of movie clichés: wanting to spend every moment with her, wanting to run towards her though a field of flowers, a desire to make hundreds of children and enslave them-"

"What movie did you get that last cliché from?" Annie asked.

"-then I suppose I probably am in love with her."

Troy swooned and grabbed hold of Annie for support, "Britta, do something."

"I think..." Britta said, pulling off her glasses, "that this is...good."

"What?" Troy and Annie shouted in unison.

"Abed's never been in love or shown these kind of feelings for another person before," Britta said, her confidence in her words building with every syllable, "This might be a good chance for him to practice romantic...things with someone else, even if that someone is a program."

"Are you sure about that?" Troy asked.

"Ye-" Britta paused, looking upwards as she thought, "yes, I am."

"Wow, thanks, Britta." Abed said, "But, you know I won't go all Hannibal Lecter on you if you give your honest opinion this time?"

Britta shivered, "I know and I wouldn't be scared of that anyway!"

Troy grabbed Britta's hand and pulled her back outside the tent, with Annie right behind them. "I get that you know what you're doing and all, but what if he gets all obsessive and just forgets about all of us outside of the game?"

Britta pushed her glasses back on, "I think our little Abed is evolving, and we should just let things run their course."

"So, we do nothing and hope this doesn't fall apart?" Annie asked.

Troy nodded, "If you think it's okay then I'm all for the 'not trying to change Abed' plan."

"Thank you, Troy. And come on, it's just a game after all. I mean, really, what's the worst that could happen?"

Troy and Annie both winced.

"Classic tee-up." Abed called from inside the fort.

* * *

"_I-have-information-on-the-following-topics."_

Abed smiled, sinking down further into his bed sheets and pulling his laptop onto the pillow beside him.

"Hilda my love, you really do get me."


End file.
